Thursday, June 16, 2011


I've just watched a video where one of the men that I'm subscribed to on YouTube made about his biggest regret. He never specified what it was, but he repeated that it was very stupid and he regretted it immensely and completely. It got me thinking, "Do I have anything that I regret that much?"
I've come to the realization
No, I don't.
As a matter of fact, I don't have any regrets.
When I was with Devin, I thought I regretted something, now that we're broken up, I see that I really don't. I thought I did, only because of how Devin made me feel about it.
I thought I regretted Devin. But that was when I had a rush of emotions and pain at even the mentioning of his name.
Now that my thoughts, for the most part, are clear (although, mind you, there's still pain enough to badmouth him. I can, and do, still speak of him fondly when the time comes.)
[disclaimer: in my defense, although I badmouth him sometimes, I don't like doing it. It slips out :/ as stupid as that likely sounds. In the rush of emotions I sometimes feel with certain subjects, I can't help but express my anger through relating bad and frustrating, if not instantaneously depressing, problems and scenarios that I have experienced via my relationship with him.]
I've always known that I've never regretted Austin.
Although Devin treated me awfully and cheated on me, I got to learn what some girls were really going through in bad relationships, and I got to experience hardships and a long relationship, firsthand.
And because of Devin, I've increased my standards of whom I would date, I've taken a break from relationships so I could develop a steady head, and I've learned what signs to look for to get out of a bad relationship before it ever gets too horrible. I've bettered myself (or am trying to) so I could seek out the best revenge...
I'll become successful and make something of myself, while he remains as nothing.
And I'll prove to him, even indirectly, that I was always out of his league. And I was always great for him...but he never saw it.
As mean as that sounds. I don't mean for it to sound as heartless as it may :/ I'm sorry.
But that's just my drive to keep me going.
Well, one of my many drives, anyhow.
I guess he just gave me that final push I needed to really try and work hard at achieving my goals for the future.
And I thank him for that :)
I believe, no matter how many bad times there are, I'll still remember the good times there were with him as well.
I've kept some mementos this time, like notes he's written me, a gorgeous picture I drew of him, poems I wrote about him, a journal of sorts of our firsts that I wrote, his bracelet and his jacket.
I don't have the original stories that I wrote about him or the original picture that I drew of him, thanks to Alondra.
But also thanks to me, because I gave them to her.
It's alright.

Back to Austin, although he cheated on me and lied to me several times, he was my first love. My first true experience with it. And he taught me how to love, and how to deal with heartbreak, as well as toughened me up, and made me more cautious and hesitant than the free-bird that I was.
I thank him for that.
And I also thank Devin for helping me become more cautious as well, in regards to whom I trusted, and so forth.

I don't hate either of them. And I'll still care about both of them, as I do now. But never again will I be with them :P
Dear god, never, ever, ever again.


I just don't want to go through any of that shit again.
And to put on a happy face through all of it. Just. No.
No way in Hell, ever again.
I've learned from my mistakes. I just wish they'd learn from theirs as well.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

As I read through this blog

I've noticed about 3 things.
1) I was very angry when I wrote a lot of the things I did. Wow, I'm really not that negative :/ I just had some dark days.
I'm a happy person, by god.

2) I have a lot of relationships mentioned, and it makes me sound like a desperate teenager.
But in my defense, I was at the time.
I didn't have any real feelings, I'm almost positive, for Wanda and Dylan.
Infatuations. And very brief ones, at that.
I wouldn't have loved them. I would've broken up with them very soon after we began dating, which, thankfully, never happened.

3) I'm a damn good writer.
I'm not conceited, I'm self aware.

PS, since I'm too lazy to add it to my previous post.

Devin was cheating on me for a while.

Olivia told me to write. So here I go.

I don't much want to, for fear of bringing up bad memories :P
But here goes.

Well since I last visited, I stopped speaking to Wanda. Just flat-out stopped, one day. I don't know if I wrote about that. It doesn't really matter, I think she was probably just a rebound :P

I got back in contact with Austin, as I've mentioned before, but only to find out that he hasn't changed a bit.
And because of that, I stopped speaking to him again.
For the best, he'll hurt me in the end.

I met a guy online, whom (as corny as it may sound) seems like he'd be my soulmate :)
It's like a romantic fairytale; we met in the most random way [a random chatroom on Stickam, which he never gets on, and I never do either.] at the most perfect time, not to mention. I randomly introduced myself. (the repetition of the word 'random' is for emphasis)
Too bad Jacob lives in California, now.
And I rarely speak to him. But I do like him more than I believe he knows, and I cling onto that lingering hope that maybe, one day, he'll realize and return the feelings.
The likelihood of me getting hurt is insanely immense with him, as sweet as he is. (He'll find someone who will sweep him off his feet before I do.) But I can hope, can't I?
He's too perfect to just give up on.
So I won't.
I don't even flirt anymore and I felt guilty when I even thought about doing so :P
Silly, isn't it?
Oh well.

I've gained a new friend. His name is Kelby.
A multi-talented, pushy, Zelda nerd whom attends Pepperall. He's a sweetheart :) But his personality reminds me of Reese's, and that automatically allows a dark cloud to hover over our friendship. Only because that means his personality and mine may end up conflict at some point, especially when it comes to respect towards my family.

My little brother was born. He's a healthy baby :) and very very adorable. I love him very much, although my toleration for his father is still minuscule to nonexistent. He's growing fast. Nearly a month old and he's gained 3 pounds and grown I believe 2 inches.
He's been moving his head since the day after his birth :)
He's crying a lot now, which gets aggravating, to no end.

My appetite has come back. I'm eating a lot now, but it's healthy.
And I'm working out to tighten up my stomach and make it look better. So far, so good.
I feel healthy and satisfied.

Since Paige moved in, I've been having mixed emotions. She dumped her last fiance, met a new guy, whom she thought was perfect, and then it started tumbling downhill, and now that's about over as well. Later this week, I believe is when she said she was going to end it.
So there's that.
Plus we keep butting heads, although the past week has been fine.
She's dirty and doesn't clean up after herself, takes things and doesn't return them, doesn't ask, and so forth.
But since those aspects have been brought to her attention, she's been doing better about it.
And so we've been getting along better.

Living with mom is pleasant :) for me, at least.
Although there's a shitload of drama amongst my family members. I stray from it, and successfully so.
Friend-drama as well. I just don't like it.

I've grown very close to my friends Charlie and Lejend.
Charlie's developed a strong infatuation with yours truly, although I'm sad to say that the feelings aren't returned.
I just can't see him as any more than a friend.
And I've told him so, so that takes care of that.

My friend Garreth has a crush on me too. But as far as he knows, I'm totally oblivious. And so that'll stay until something happens. But as in Charlie's case, I'm not interested.
Our personalities would clash so intensely that we'd end up slaughtering each other, even if I was interested.

I met a guy at the Avenged Sevenfold concert I went to on May 5th. I haven't spoken to him since.

I met two new friends at the Panic! At the Disco concert I went to on May 27th. I haven't spoken to them either :P

I'm not lonely to the point where I'm unhappy, but I miss being loved.
And I miss being in a relationship.
But not to the point where I'm throwing myself at guys.
So it's okay.

I'm getting a car at the end of this month.
Only problem is my driving eligibility. I have no idea if I can just flat out get a license. I hope so. Or at least not have to wait a fucking year until I can get one. I'll be furious if that's the case.
I have to look it up, but I'm scared of what I'll find.

I wish I didn't get aggravated as often as I do.

And I have 2 books to read by Summer's end. One is somewhat entertaining, but for some reason, I'm not too much of a reader.
The other, although it's shorter, I have to read with the aid of a dictionary.

I'm lovestuck. Ooooooooohhh, adolescence. I;m almost ready to be through with it.
But then again, I'm not.
I enjoy being young.
I'm not looking forward to the responsibilities of adulthood.

I'm tired.

I've been thinking about how distant I feel in some situations. Like I'm disconnected from reality.
It's not really nice.