Thursday, June 16, 2011


I've just watched a video where one of the men that I'm subscribed to on YouTube made about his biggest regret. He never specified what it was, but he repeated that it was very stupid and he regretted it immensely and completely. It got me thinking, "Do I have anything that I regret that much?"
I've come to the realization
No, I don't.
As a matter of fact, I don't have any regrets.
When I was with Devin, I thought I regretted something, now that we're broken up, I see that I really don't. I thought I did, only because of how Devin made me feel about it.
I thought I regretted Devin. But that was when I had a rush of emotions and pain at even the mentioning of his name.
Now that my thoughts, for the most part, are clear (although, mind you, there's still pain enough to badmouth him. I can, and do, still speak of him fondly when the time comes.)
[disclaimer: in my defense, although I badmouth him sometimes, I don't like doing it. It slips out :/ as stupid as that likely sounds. In the rush of emotions I sometimes feel with certain subjects, I can't help but express my anger through relating bad and frustrating, if not instantaneously depressing, problems and scenarios that I have experienced via my relationship with him.]
I've always known that I've never regretted Austin.
Although Devin treated me awfully and cheated on me, I got to learn what some girls were really going through in bad relationships, and I got to experience hardships and a long relationship, firsthand.
And because of Devin, I've increased my standards of whom I would date, I've taken a break from relationships so I could develop a steady head, and I've learned what signs to look for to get out of a bad relationship before it ever gets too horrible. I've bettered myself (or am trying to) so I could seek out the best revenge...
I'll become successful and make something of myself, while he remains as nothing.
And I'll prove to him, even indirectly, that I was always out of his league. And I was always great for him...but he never saw it.
As mean as that sounds. I don't mean for it to sound as heartless as it may :/ I'm sorry.
But that's just my drive to keep me going.
Well, one of my many drives, anyhow.
I guess he just gave me that final push I needed to really try and work hard at achieving my goals for the future.
And I thank him for that :)
I believe, no matter how many bad times there are, I'll still remember the good times there were with him as well.
I've kept some mementos this time, like notes he's written me, a gorgeous picture I drew of him, poems I wrote about him, a journal of sorts of our firsts that I wrote, his bracelet and his jacket.
I don't have the original stories that I wrote about him or the original picture that I drew of him, thanks to Alondra.
But also thanks to me, because I gave them to her.
It's alright.

Back to Austin, although he cheated on me and lied to me several times, he was my first love. My first true experience with it. And he taught me how to love, and how to deal with heartbreak, as well as toughened me up, and made me more cautious and hesitant than the free-bird that I was.
I thank him for that.
And I also thank Devin for helping me become more cautious as well, in regards to whom I trusted, and so forth.

I don't hate either of them. And I'll still care about both of them, as I do now. But never again will I be with them :P
Dear god, never, ever, ever again.


I just don't want to go through any of that shit again.
And to put on a happy face through all of it. Just. No.
No way in Hell, ever again.
I've learned from my mistakes. I just wish they'd learn from theirs as well.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

As I read through this blog

I've noticed about 3 things.
1) I was very angry when I wrote a lot of the things I did. Wow, I'm really not that negative :/ I just had some dark days.
I'm a happy person, by god.

2) I have a lot of relationships mentioned, and it makes me sound like a desperate teenager.
But in my defense, I was at the time.
I didn't have any real feelings, I'm almost positive, for Wanda and Dylan.
Infatuations. And very brief ones, at that.
I wouldn't have loved them. I would've broken up with them very soon after we began dating, which, thankfully, never happened.

3) I'm a damn good writer.
I'm not conceited, I'm self aware.

PS, since I'm too lazy to add it to my previous post.

Devin was cheating on me for a while.

Olivia told me to write. So here I go.

I don't much want to, for fear of bringing up bad memories :P
But here goes.

Well since I last visited, I stopped speaking to Wanda. Just flat-out stopped, one day. I don't know if I wrote about that. It doesn't really matter, I think she was probably just a rebound :P

I got back in contact with Austin, as I've mentioned before, but only to find out that he hasn't changed a bit.
And because of that, I stopped speaking to him again.
For the best, he'll hurt me in the end.

I met a guy online, whom (as corny as it may sound) seems like he'd be my soulmate :)
It's like a romantic fairytale; we met in the most random way [a random chatroom on Stickam, which he never gets on, and I never do either.] at the most perfect time, not to mention. I randomly introduced myself. (the repetition of the word 'random' is for emphasis)
Too bad Jacob lives in California, now.
And I rarely speak to him. But I do like him more than I believe he knows, and I cling onto that lingering hope that maybe, one day, he'll realize and return the feelings.
The likelihood of me getting hurt is insanely immense with him, as sweet as he is. (He'll find someone who will sweep him off his feet before I do.) But I can hope, can't I?
He's too perfect to just give up on.
So I won't.
I don't even flirt anymore and I felt guilty when I even thought about doing so :P
Silly, isn't it?
Oh well.

I've gained a new friend. His name is Kelby.
A multi-talented, pushy, Zelda nerd whom attends Pepperall. He's a sweetheart :) But his personality reminds me of Reese's, and that automatically allows a dark cloud to hover over our friendship. Only because that means his personality and mine may end up conflict at some point, especially when it comes to respect towards my family.

My little brother was born. He's a healthy baby :) and very very adorable. I love him very much, although my toleration for his father is still minuscule to nonexistent. He's growing fast. Nearly a month old and he's gained 3 pounds and grown I believe 2 inches.
He's been moving his head since the day after his birth :)
He's crying a lot now, which gets aggravating, to no end.

My appetite has come back. I'm eating a lot now, but it's healthy.
And I'm working out to tighten up my stomach and make it look better. So far, so good.
I feel healthy and satisfied.

Since Paige moved in, I've been having mixed emotions. She dumped her last fiance, met a new guy, whom she thought was perfect, and then it started tumbling downhill, and now that's about over as well. Later this week, I believe is when she said she was going to end it.
So there's that.
Plus we keep butting heads, although the past week has been fine.
She's dirty and doesn't clean up after herself, takes things and doesn't return them, doesn't ask, and so forth.
But since those aspects have been brought to her attention, she's been doing better about it.
And so we've been getting along better.

Living with mom is pleasant :) for me, at least.
Although there's a shitload of drama amongst my family members. I stray from it, and successfully so.
Friend-drama as well. I just don't like it.

I've grown very close to my friends Charlie and Lejend.
Charlie's developed a strong infatuation with yours truly, although I'm sad to say that the feelings aren't returned.
I just can't see him as any more than a friend.
And I've told him so, so that takes care of that.

My friend Garreth has a crush on me too. But as far as he knows, I'm totally oblivious. And so that'll stay until something happens. But as in Charlie's case, I'm not interested.
Our personalities would clash so intensely that we'd end up slaughtering each other, even if I was interested.

I met a guy at the Avenged Sevenfold concert I went to on May 5th. I haven't spoken to him since.

I met two new friends at the Panic! At the Disco concert I went to on May 27th. I haven't spoken to them either :P

I'm not lonely to the point where I'm unhappy, but I miss being loved.
And I miss being in a relationship.
But not to the point where I'm throwing myself at guys.
So it's okay.

I'm getting a car at the end of this month.
Only problem is my driving eligibility. I have no idea if I can just flat out get a license. I hope so. Or at least not have to wait a fucking year until I can get one. I'll be furious if that's the case.
I have to look it up, but I'm scared of what I'll find.

I wish I didn't get aggravated as often as I do.

And I have 2 books to read by Summer's end. One is somewhat entertaining, but for some reason, I'm not too much of a reader.
The other, although it's shorter, I have to read with the aid of a dictionary.

I'm lovestuck. Ooooooooohhh, adolescence. I;m almost ready to be through with it.
But then again, I'm not.
I enjoy being young.
I'm not looking forward to the responsibilities of adulthood.

I'm tired.

I've been thinking about how distant I feel in some situations. Like I'm disconnected from reality.
It's not really nice.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Again, I haven't visited you in so long :P

Hey dear blog :)
I got in contact with Austin again :D thanks to Sarah, who gave me his number.
He's so awesome, I miss that fucker. He looks good, too. He shaved and got a haircut (but I'm not stupid enough to get involved again :P)
OH! AND he got a piercing in the middle of his bottom lip. UBER sexy.
Courtney may be coming over today :D she needs out of that house
All in all, today's starting off pretty good. Even though I just woke up.
I have the house all to myself and for the first time in a while, I'm glad :) I'm not depressed or lonely. Not yet, anyway.
I haven't started my period yet. I'm starting to get impatient.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I think I'm falling for someone

It could just be lust, but I really don't know.
The other day, this random girl ,Wanda Couzzourt, texted me. She got my number off online.
She lives in Tennessee. But she's so sweet. I've been texting her nonstop. At first, I was unsure. But the more I text her, the more I really really like her :)
It's the first time I've felt this way about a girl.
I want to be with her, but I'm waiting for a while to ask her out. I want to tell dad first :P
And then I'll do it.
I really really like her.
I hope that if we do get into a relationship, and I do end up falling for her, hardcore, I hope she doesn't hurt me :P
And I hope this isn't just lust.
That wouldn't be cool

Monday, March 21, 2011

Sorry I haven't visited you in a while

My dear blog.
I made Myspace the other day. I'll never get on.
I hate this song that's playing. It's called Pretty Girl Rock.
It's making me want to throw the computer against the wall.
This chick doesn't know how to form a legitimate rhyme that has the educational level higher than that of a 3rd grader's to save her Pretty life.
I love spending time with Paige though. I always do.
And Samantha is back down from North Carolina :) at least for the time being.
I wish she would ask her boyfriend to send Twilight Princess down, though. I really do want to continue playing.
Some bitch keeps messing with Paige and her boyfriend. It brings back memories of the stress I dealt with when I was with both Devin and Austin. (Teddi with Devin, Bambi with Austin.....the fuck is with these names? Next chick that'll mess with my next boyfriend will be named fucking Candi or Dolli) It sucks, that feeling it brings when you have someone hitting on your beloved.
Twice as much when they continue talking to them/being their friend.
I hated it. I was so stressed and paranoid.
I'm watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
And I'm going to an A7X concert May 5th, then a Panic! At the Disco concert on May 27th :)
Family for A7X, Katie and Marie for Panic! At the Disco.
It'll be awesome :)
I can't wait.

I'm so tired.
And I have a headache and phlegm.
And I'm horny. But I have no one D:
And I'm getting my period in a couple days

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I can never seem to hold onto it. Even when I feel ecstatic, there's always the slightest hint of depression threatening to take over.
I'm so fucking sick of it.
I want to be carefree.
I want to not want to be loved.
I want self-confidence and self esteem.
I can't seem to suffice even the slightest amount of self-confidence to even talk to someone more attractive than I am.
I feel irritating. And envious, and unworthy.
I'm sick of being hit on by people I have absolutely no interest in. And I can't stand it even more when they refuse to back off.
I am not beautiful.
I am not amazing.
I am not anything anyone says I am.
I'm bitchy. I'm angry a lot. I have depression issues, as well as anxiety, that come at random and sometimes overpowering spurts.
I don't have much sympathy for anyone, nor pity, except briefly.
I never have a reason to be depressed, I just am.
Whatever confidence I may appear to have is either temporary or a cover-up so I don't receive any false pity from others.
I don't want to be this way. I don't like the person I am.
I don't like living the way I do. (speaking for my personality and outlook)
I don't like the fact that I lie about how I'm doing or how I feel and only rant to this blog.
For no one really to notice.
Because I know that if I were to say all of this to someone...they wouldn't really care. I don't blame them.
Everyone irritates me. Even just looking at them. It makes me feel shallow.
I want to sleep and not wake up in the morning. Or end it some way of my own. But I can't.
Although I really don't see it, and I can't really wrap my mind around it, my death apparently would affect at least my mother and aunt.
They don't need anymore death.
They're really the only ones keeping me from doing it.
They hold onto death.
Everyone else wouldn't really care. In 5 years, no one will even know who I was.
Who would expect it though? I think it would be interesting, although I wouldn't really be around to see much of it, will I.
It would be interesting indeed...
I'd make not even a ripple in the lake of the scholarly society that is Rome High, or anywhere else for that matter.
I don't want to deal with it, really. Not really anymore.
I haven't for such a long time.


I probably won't talk to him anymore.
He's uninterested, and unbelievably hot, and way way way out of my league.
It makes me sad, but it's for the best :) I'd end up getting hurt in the end. Majorly, because I can already tell that I'd fall pretty hard for this guy.
I already started getting attached.
But now it's run it's course

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Well sexy man turns out to be INSANELY popular

I could've guessed that :P
I don't know what could've made me imagine I was even in his league.
I'm not even a molecular spec in the horizon that is his league.
It's depressing, but not unexpected, really :) so no biggie

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sexy man

Has yet to text back.
Come Tuesday, if he still doesn't respond, I'll call him, if he doesn't answer, I'll move on.
Watch it be the rejection hotline XD
That'd be awful.
But funny.
I hope I can talk to him, though.
He smells so good

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I looked like shit today when I went to go jogging with my aunt today

I went, actually, with my aunt, my best friend, my good friend, and my cousin.
But my shirt was kinda slutty.
And for the first time EVER.....a sexy skater-guy gave me his jacket and his number.
I don't even know his name :D
He smells so good.
I texted him, but he said his phone was dead :P
So when and if he responds, I suppose we'll begin the speaking.
But I'm not really interested in any relationship.
Idk, we'll see what happens.
He's 19.
Fuck yeah, praise me

I feel fine now.

I'm just really really really horny.
But it's fine :)
I'll stick through my suffering for a while. I have to :P
So while I'm stuck daydreaming for god knows how long about this;

I'll be sitting around doing this;

Sounds like a good plan, no?

People say that people who can kill other people are insane.

That's very strange, coming from people who live in a country which encourages murder.
Every day, we see commercials encouraging people to join the army. The Marines. The Navy. The Air Force.
The list goes on.
Is that so different?
They are still murdering each other. The only difference this time is that they have governmental encouragement and approval to do so.
On that aspect, why do people mourn those soldiers whom died in war?
I understand, they're family members, and you love them, or they're friends, and you love them.
But they are not gods. They don't deserve eternal respect.
They killed people. And they got killed in the process, leaving behind many many people who loved them, and missed them.
Why go off to war? Why?
For this country?
What's so great about it?
There are murders whom roam free because of a slight slip-up or possible lack of committing to a deal processed by the defendants.
Murders and rapist are free, because of so many idiocies.
The government is corrupt. If there's slight indifference or agreement, they terrorize and degrade people.
There is still racism, insanely strong homophobia, hatred, guilt, murder, corruption, death, wrongful judging, officers who care about no one, doctors who don't provide health care because their paycheck isn't enough, and people who live on the streets and freeze to death in Winter, because their massive debt (which isn't even their fault sometimes) keeps them from getting jobs or homes.
Not to mention, so many people who come here to escape a harsh living environment, are sent right back because they don't have the time, money, living environment and/or transportation to get the legalization papers that they need, which usually take 10 years alone.
This country is not worth my life.
No country is.
No person is.
So why should I have to respect someone who's lives they have willingly given up, for something that's not worth fighting for?
And to try and prevent the very thing they, in their actions, are promoting.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Now I'm starting to feel lonely.

It's been so long since I've been single. And I miss feeling loved already, you know :P
But I'm not going back to him. I think I don't want him happy. Or with anyone else.
But I want him to suffer.
Why, though, he didn't end it with me. I don't get it...?
I was going to keep him as my friend on facebook, but I deleted him just now.
I don't need to drive myself insane by constantly looking at his posts and such and feeling pissed at everything.
You know?
I wish he'd change his password too, so I'm not tempted to go on his profile.
Gah, I don't know what I want. I'm too confused. And possibly overtired, not to mention my stomach has been acting up all day.
I had a slice of pizza and some garlic knots.
That's it.
All day.
And I feel nauseas as hell

this is a rant i posted the other day about devin but deleted out of guilt

I don't know what I'm doing...
So I haven't seen or spoken to Devin in 4 days now.
I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. Other than our locker, I don't really feel as if he exists. I don't even see the picture on my facebook, or the pictures of him on my phone. They're just there.
I don't really notice them anymore.
I look at the photos, and it's just like I see someone that's attractive, but also of a long distance past.
I hear people speak of him, and I don't feel any feeling. It's as if they're asking about an acquaintance that I wasn't really attached to.
People say we're cute or "Karina + Devin = love", like in a note my friend made me, and I feel...angry?
Or maybe it's uncertainty.
Whatever it is, it's certainly not happiness. Or love.
I don't think it's right of me to think that way, but I can't seem to think any other way.
He's made no effort to talk to me, although I've made numerous to try and talk to him. I've put so much effort into our relationship, when he could seem to care less.
I don't know why I stick with it. I think it's mainly because I don't want to be alone.
I want someone to love me, and hold me, and make me feel special because I'm in a wonderful relationship.
Although...that's not happening.
It's just a title now.
I don't feel loved. I don't feel love at the moment. I feel aggravation, and hurt.
And disappointment. Always disappointment. He's always, always disappointing me.
I'm so sick of feeling unworthy of love, and feeling ugly, and feeling disappointed.
I'm never happy, and when I try to go to him for comfort, he doesn't seem to care.
He doesn't seem to want to see me. I feel like I'm some kind of item he carries around to make himself feel special, but tosses me to the side when I'm moody or upset, or disagree with him.
I can't be myself with him, I'm always hiding something.
The only guy that everyone says I'd be perfect with, and that I'm completely myself around, that has seen almost every emotion in me, and has been there for me through almost everything, I've tossed to the side for Devin. To try and make him happy.
But he's in love with someone else, anyway. Eh, it wouldn't work anyway.
Maybe I should stay single.
I wish I could text him and end it now.
But I don't know if I'll regret it if I could.
I don't know if I'll regret it if I stay with him.
In 4 years, where will I be?
Will I be supporting him while trying to drag myself through college? Will I be like the mother taking care of a child in our relationship?
Will I just be some sort of item that he only cherishes when he wants something?
I don't know.
I wish I had a steadier head on my shoulders.
I wish I had someone to tell me what to do. Even if I did have someone...I wish they would listen.
I wish that I could tell him this, but he'd never listen to me. He never really did.
And I wish that every time I heard his voice, or saw him, my will to walk away wouldn't dwindle.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I hate the hatred

Whoa, look at that contradiction of words.
But in all seriousness, I really do mean it.
There is so much hatred amongst human beings, for really no other reason but the fact that they're a certain way.
"I don't like meat" ----> "What the fuck is wrong with you, you're stupid as hell, I will KILL YOU...if you don't eat a turkey sandwich RIGHT NOW"
Boy/Girl: "I'm in love with Thomas/Tiffany" --------->"God hates you and you will wade forever in the fiery depths of hell for the love and sexual feelings you have chosen to have" "You're a flaming faggot, I wish you would just kill yourself and rid the world of your disgusting ways, you fucking queer"
There is no logic to this reasoning.
Granted, some people believe in the bible, and follow the teachings of God word-for-word, and that's very respectable. You believe in something that holds a future for you, and has something and some form of life to strive for.
You are also entitled to your opinion, and are entitled to agree or disagree with something.
That's fine. Not everyone can agree.
To spread around such vulgar and unnecessary hatred for someone just because of how they choose to dress, or how they choose to act, or whom they love (that especially, for that they cannot help) is...wrong. It's unneeded.
Why do it?
Even those whom are religious, if they were really lovers and followers of god, they would follow the word of Jesus and love others, regardless of their choices or sexual orientation.
Those who are extremists and protest gays, only listen to the part of the bible where it says "a man shall not lay with another man", and then drag out that saying far past it's meaning.
[( helping me out with this subject matter. He can explain it far better than I can.]
There was this young man whom responded to a reaction I had to his comment on a video of Chris Crocker. I was polite and mature to him, whereas he reacted with nothing but ridicule and hatred. And such terminology as 'bumfucking faggot'. It infuriated me, but I let it slide, and tried my best to answer him again without resorting to his level of immaturity.
I just...I don't understand homophobia. Or sexism. Or racism. Any negative -ism, for that matter


I'm on youtube, listening to Waking the Demon by Bullet for my Valentine. I can't decide whether or not I'm attracted to Matt Tuck, or what. I've seen regular pictures of him, and they don't look so hot :P he could just not be photogenic, because in videos and interviews, he looks fine.
Don't know, man.
I left my phone on the bus this afternoon. I caught up to the bus, and got on it, looking for it, only to find out that Christian took it to return to me tomorrow :)
He's so fucking awesome, I'm gonna miss him next year, along with so many of my other Senior friends :( [Chris, Siraj, Tyler, Will, Jesse, Christian]
I'm sad that the end of the year is so close. I've enjoyed and hated this year. But I'm going back to enjoying it, immensely :) my friends and acquaintances anyhow.
I was told numerous times today that I was awesome ^_^ it made me happy
Will said I had a 'certain spunk' to my personality :)
I'm glad people like me :P
Today was a fairly good day. I'm glad I don't have to hide being myself anymore. Since Devin's not in school, I'm always around friends, and it's a much freer environment. There's a lot of happiness in the atmosphere since I can speak and laugh with dudes with no problem. I'm not interested in any of them, anyhow.
Good day. Very good day.
I'm glad I went to school today.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


After all that, I spoke to Devin.
I texted his phone saying that he needed to call me or text me, and he texted me off his sister's phone.
I was angry, ready to end it, but he started to be sweet, and away that went.
He sucks. But he's lucky I love him.
I'm so confused. I need to see a psychiatrist.
Damn it.
He's quitting school. All together, just done. No matter what I say or how I feel about it.
He has the false mentality that everything will be just breezy and the world will fall into his hands.
It doesn't work that way. But he's too thickheaded to realize that.
I wish I could knock some sense into him.
I don't think I ever could, and I hate that his mother could care less.
I hate it so much.