Again, I haven't visited you in so long :P

Hey dear blog :)
I got in contact with Austin again :D thanks to Sarah, who gave me his number.
He's so awesome, I miss that fucker. He looks good, too. He shaved and got a haircut (but I'm not stupid enough to get involved again :P)
OH! AND he got a piercing in the middle of his bottom lip. UBER sexy.
Courtney may be coming over today :D she needs out of that house
All in all, today's starting off pretty good. Even though I just woke up.
I have the house all to myself and for the first time in a while, I'm glad :) I'm not depressed or lonely. Not yet, anyway.
I haven't started my period yet. I'm starting to get impatient.

I think I'm falling for someone

It could just be lust, but I really don't know.
The other day, this random girl ,Wanda Couzzourt, texted me. She got my number off online.
She lives in Tennessee. But she's so sweet. I've been texting her nonstop. At first, I was unsure. But the more I text her, the more I really really like her :)
It's the first time I've felt this way about a girl.
I want to be with her, but I'm waiting for a while to ask her out. I want to tell dad first :P
And then I'll do it.
I really really like her.
I hope that if we do get into a relationship, and I do end up falling for her, hardcore, I hope she doesn't hurt me :P
And I hope this isn't just lust.
That wouldn't be cool

Sorry I haven't visited you in a while

My dear blog.
I made Myspace the other day. I'll never get on.
I hate this song that's playing. It's called Pretty Girl Rock.
It's making me want to throw the computer against the wall.
This chick doesn't know how to form a legitimate rhyme that has the educational level higher than that of a 3rd grader's to save her Pretty life.
I love spending time with Paige though. I always do.
And Samantha is back down from North Carolina :) at least for the time being.
I wish she would ask her boyfriend to send Twilight Princess down, though. I really do want to continue playing.
Some bitch keeps messing with Paige and her boyfriend. It brings back memories of the stress I dealt with when I was with both Devin and Austin. (Teddi with Devin, Bambi with Austin.....the fuck is with these names? Next chick that'll mess with my next boyfriend will be named fucking Candi or Dolli) It sucks, that feeling it brings when you have someone hitting on your beloved.
Twice as much when they continue talking to them/being their friend.
I hated it. I was so stressed and paranoid.
I'm watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
And I'm going to an A7X concert May 5th, then a Panic! At the Disco concert on May 27th :)
Family for A7X, Katie and Marie for Panic! At the Disco.
It'll be awesome :)
I can't wait.

I'm so tired.
And I have a headache and phlegm.
And I'm horny. But I have no one D:
And I'm getting my period in a couple days

Happiness.

I can never seem to hold onto it. Even when I feel ecstatic, there's always the slightest hint of depression threatening to take over.
I'm so fucking sick of it.
I want to be carefree.
I want to not want to be loved.
I want self-confidence and self esteem.
I can't seem to suffice even the slightest amount of self-confidence to even talk to someone more attractive than I am.
I feel irritating. And envious, and unworthy.
I'm sick of being hit on by people I have absolutely no interest in. And I can't stand it even more when they refuse to back off.
I am not beautiful.
I am not amazing.
I am not anything anyone says I am.
I'm bitchy. I'm angry a lot. I have depression issues, as well as anxiety, that come at random and sometimes overpowering spurts.
I don't have much sympathy for anyone, nor pity, except briefly.
I never have a reason to be depressed, I just am.
Whatever confidence I may appear to have is either temporary or a cover-up so I don't receive any false pity from others.
I don't want to be this way. I don't like the person I am.
I don't like living the way I do. (speaking for my personality and outlook)
I don't like the fact that I lie about how I'm doing or how I feel and only rant to this blog.
For no one really to notice.
Because I know that if I were to say all of this to someone...they wouldn't really care. I don't blame them.
Everyone irritates me. Even just looking at them. It makes me feel shallow.
I want to sleep and not wake up in the morning. Or end it some way of my own. But I can't.
Although I really don't see it, and I can't really wrap my mind around it, my death apparently would affect at least my mother and aunt.
They don't need anymore death.
They're really the only ones keeping me from doing it.
They hold onto death.
Everyone else wouldn't really care. In 5 years, no one will even know who I was.
Who would expect it though? I think it would be interesting, although I wouldn't really be around to see much of it, will I.
It would be interesting indeed...
I'd make not even a ripple in the lake of the scholarly society that is Rome High, or anywhere else for that matter.
I don't want to deal with it, really. Not really anymore.
I haven't for such a long time.

Dylan

I probably won't talk to him anymore.
He's uninterested, and unbelievably hot, and way way way out of my league.
It makes me sad, but it's for the best :) I'd end up getting hurt in the end. Majorly, because I can already tell that I'd fall pretty hard for this guy.
I already started getting attached.
But now it's run it's course

Well sexy man turns out to be INSANELY popular

I could've guessed that :P
I don't know what could've made me imagine I was even in his league.
I'm not even a molecular spec in the horizon that is his league.
It's depressing, but not unexpected, really :) so no biggie

MIA, YOU'LL LOVE THIS

musical Pi

Sexy man

Has yet to text back.
Come Tuesday, if he still doesn't respond, I'll call him, if he doesn't answer, I'll move on.
Watch it be the rejection hotline XD
That'd be awful.
But funny.
I hope I can talk to him, though.
He smells so good

I looked like shit today when I went to go jogging with my aunt today

I went, actually, with my aunt, my best friend, my good friend, and my cousin.
But my shirt was kinda slutty.
And for the first time EVER.....a sexy skater-guy gave me his jacket and his number.
I don't even know his name :D
He smells so good.
I texted him, but he said his phone was dead :P
So when and if he responds, I suppose we'll begin the speaking.
But I'm not really interested in any relationship.
Idk, we'll see what happens.
He's 19.
Fuck yeah, praise me

I feel fine now.

I'm just really really really horny.
But it's fine :)
I'll stick through my suffering for a while. I have to :P
So while I'm stuck daydreaming for god knows how long about this;

I'll be sitting around doing this;

Sounds like a good plan, no?

People say that people who can kill other people are insane.

That's very strange, coming from people who live in a country which encourages murder.
Every day, we see commercials encouraging people to join the army. The Marines. The Navy. The Air Force.
The list goes on.
Is that so different?
They are still murdering each other. The only difference this time is that they have governmental encouragement and approval to do so.
On that aspect, why do people mourn those soldiers whom died in war?
I understand, they're family members, and you love them, or they're friends, and you love them.
But they are not gods. They don't deserve eternal respect.
They killed people. And they got killed in the process, leaving behind many many people who loved them, and missed them.
Why go off to war? Why?
For this country?
What's so great about it?
There are murders whom roam free because of a slight slip-up or possible lack of committing to a deal processed by the defendants.
Murders and rapist are free, because of so many idiocies.
The government is corrupt. If there's slight indifference or agreement, they terrorize and degrade people.
There is still racism, insanely strong homophobia, hatred, guilt, murder, corruption, death, wrongful judging, officers who care about no one, doctors who don't provide health care because their paycheck isn't enough, and people who live on the streets and freeze to death in Winter, because their massive debt (which isn't even their fault sometimes) keeps them from getting jobs or homes.
Not to mention, so many people who come here to escape a harsh living environment, are sent right back because they don't have the time, money, living environment and/or transportation to get the legalization papers that they need, which usually take 10 years alone.
This country is not worth my life.
No country is.
No person is.
So why should I have to respect someone who's lives they have willingly given up, for something that's not worth fighting for?
And to try and prevent the very thing they, in their actions, are promoting.

Now I'm starting to feel lonely.

It's been so long since I've been single. And I miss feeling loved already, you know :P
But I'm not going back to him. I think I don't want him happy. Or with anyone else.
But I want him to suffer.
Why, though, he didn't end it with me. I don't get it...?
I was going to keep him as my friend on facebook, but I deleted him just now.
I don't need to drive myself insane by constantly looking at his posts and such and feeling pissed at everything.
You know?
I wish he'd change his password too, so I'm not tempted to go on his profile.
Gah, I don't know what I want. I'm too confused. And possibly overtired, not to mention my stomach has been acting up all day.
I had a slice of pizza and some garlic knots.
That's it.
All day.
And I feel nauseas as hell

this is a rant i posted the other day about devin but deleted out of guilt

I don't know what I'm doing...
So I haven't seen or spoken to Devin in 4 days now.
I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. Other than our locker, I don't really feel as if he exists. I don't even see the picture on my facebook, or the pictures of him on my phone. They're just there.
I don't really notice them anymore.
I look at the photos, and it's just like I see someone that's attractive, but also of a long distance past.
I hear people speak of him, and I don't feel any feeling. It's as if they're asking about an acquaintance that I wasn't really attached to.
People say we're cute or "Karina + Devin = love", like in a note my friend made me, and I feel...angry?
Or maybe it's uncertainty.
Whatever it is, it's certainly not happiness. Or love.
I don't think it's right of me to think that way, but I can't seem to think any other way.
He's made no effort to talk to me, although I've made numerous to try and talk to him. I've put so much effort into our relationship, when he could seem to care less.
I don't know why I stick with it. I think it's mainly because I don't want to be alone.
I want someone to love me, and hold me, and make me feel special because I'm in a wonderful relationship.
Although...that's not happening.
It's just a title now.
I don't feel loved. I don't feel love at the moment. I feel aggravation, and hurt.
And disappointment. Always disappointment. He's always, always disappointing me.
I'm so sick of feeling unworthy of love, and feeling ugly, and feeling disappointed.
I'm never happy, and when I try to go to him for comfort, he doesn't seem to care.
He doesn't seem to want to see me. I feel like I'm some kind of item he carries around to make himself feel special, but tosses me to the side when I'm moody or upset, or disagree with him.
I can't be myself with him, I'm always hiding something.
The only guy that everyone says I'd be perfect with, and that I'm completely myself around, that has seen almost every emotion in me, and has been there for me through almost everything, I've tossed to the side for Devin. To try and make him happy.
But he's in love with someone else, anyway. Eh, it wouldn't work anyway.
Maybe I should stay single.
I wish I could text him and end it now.
But I don't know if I'll regret it if I could.
I don't know if I'll regret it if I stay with him.
In 4 years, where will I be?
Will I be supporting him while trying to drag myself through college? Will I be like the mother taking care of a child in our relationship?
Will I just be some sort of item that he only cherishes when he wants something?
I don't know.
I wish I had a steadier head on my shoulders.
I wish I had someone to tell me what to do. Even if I did have someone...I wish they would listen.
I wish that I could tell him this, but he'd never listen to me. He never really did.
And I wish that every time I heard his voice, or saw him, my will to walk away wouldn't dwindle.

Huh. I always thought Mila Kunis would be a stuck-up. snobby bitch.

She's not.
She's actually really sweet.
Go figure.

I hate the hatred

Whoa, look at that contradiction of words.
But in all seriousness, I really do mean it.
There is so much hatred amongst human beings, for really no other reason but the fact that they're a certain way.
"I don't like meat" ----> "What the fuck is wrong with you, you're stupid as hell, I will KILL YOU...if you don't eat a turkey sandwich RIGHT NOW"
Boy/Girl: "I'm in love with Thomas/Tiffany" --------->"God hates you and you will wade forever in the fiery depths of hell for the love and sexual feelings you have chosen to have" "You're a flaming faggot, I wish you would just kill yourself and rid the world of your disgusting ways, you fucking queer"
Now.
There is no logic to this reasoning.
Granted, some people believe in the bible, and follow the teachings of God word-for-word, and that's very respectable. You believe in something that holds a future for you, and has something and some form of life to strive for.
You are also entitled to your opinion, and are entitled to agree or disagree with something.
That's fine. Not everyone can agree.
However.
To spread around such vulgar and unnecessary hatred for someone just because of how they choose to dress, or how they choose to act, or whom they love (that especially, for that they cannot help) is...wrong. It's unneeded.
Why do it?
Even those whom are religious, if they were really lovers and followers of god, they would follow the word of Jesus and love others, regardless of their choices or sexual orientation.
Those who are extremists and protest gays, only listen to the part of the bible where it says "a man shall not lay with another man", and then drag out that saying far past it's meaning.
[(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA-PWlT-4BI) helping me out with this subject matter. He can explain it far better than I can.]
There was this young man whom responded to a reaction I had to his comment on a video of Chris Crocker. I was polite and mature to him, whereas he reacted with nothing but ridicule and hatred. And such terminology as 'bumfucking faggot'. It infuriated me, but I let it slide, and tried my best to answer him again without resorting to his level of immaturity.
I just...I don't understand homophobia. Or sexism. Or racism. Any negative -ism, for that matter

Meh

I'm on youtube, listening to Waking the Demon by Bullet for my Valentine. I can't decide whether or not I'm attracted to Matt Tuck, or what. I've seen regular pictures of him, and they don't look so hot :P he could just not be photogenic, because in videos and interviews, he looks fine.
Don't know, man.
I left my phone on the bus this afternoon. I caught up to the bus, and got on it, looking for it, only to find out that Christian took it to return to me tomorrow :)
He's so fucking awesome, I'm gonna miss him next year, along with so many of my other Senior friends :( [Chris, Siraj, Tyler, Will, Jesse, Christian]
I'm sad that the end of the year is so close. I've enjoyed and hated this year. But I'm going back to enjoying it, immensely :) my friends and acquaintances anyhow.
I was told numerous times today that I was awesome ^_^ it made me happy
Will said I had a 'certain spunk' to my personality :)
Woo!
I'm glad people like me :P
Today was a fairly good day. I'm glad I don't have to hide being myself anymore. Since Devin's not in school, I'm always around friends, and it's a much freer environment. There's a lot of happiness in the atmosphere since I can speak and laugh with dudes with no problem. I'm not interested in any of them, anyhow.
Good day. Very good day.
I'm glad I went to school today.

Soooo

After all that, I spoke to Devin.
I texted his phone saying that he needed to call me or text me, and he texted me off his sister's phone.
I was angry, ready to end it, but he started to be sweet, and away that went.
Dammit.
He sucks. But he's lucky I love him.
I'm so confused. I need to see a psychiatrist.
Damn it.
He's quitting school. All together, just done. No matter what I say or how I feel about it.
He has the false mentality that everything will be just breezy and the world will fall into his hands.
It doesn't work that way. But he's too thickheaded to realize that.
I wish I could knock some sense into him.
I don't think I ever could, and I hate that his mother could care less.
I hate it so much.

I need help

Self-explanatory title

School

School was pretty good today. Nothing much interesting, no different than usual.
Devin was absent today. I'm getting sick of not seeing him.
The feeling of drifting apart is still hanging around from over what's about 2 weeks now.
I wish if he didn't want to stay with me, he'd just leave. Just break up with me, you know?
Not drag me around, that makes everything worse.
And give me break-up sex.
I've never had it, and I think I'd want it this time around.
Or please just...buck up.
And try to seem like he cares, if he really does. Eh. I don't know.
I wish I could read minds sometimes to see what he's really thinking.
But most of the time I'm glad I can't, because I'd hate him to be thinking of something I'd hate to see

Zelda and the possibility of ADD

I played through so much of Ocarina of Time, today. It was entertaining, but I'm so sick of the fact that I can never keep my attention on one thing.
I get so bored, I quit, I sit around, I switch up my pattern, I go right back to what I was doing, and it repeats.
This differs from 6 years ago, where I could sit at my computer literally until my ass was sore, playing the same, simple computer game, and still be entertained for many more hours.
And now, I can't even stay on a site or on a game for longer than an hour, and even that is a stretch.
WTF
Seriously. It's insanely aggravating. I hate my lack of commitment towards projects and such. It's....exactly what I said before; aggravating.
I don't know what to do.
I was thinking of trying to write a story, everyday trying to add a new chapter, and see where that goes.
I think it'll be fun, but the problem still lies in the fact that I'll probably quit after a few days.
Which discourages me from even starting, but I think if I had support, I'd do it.
IDK.
Maybe I'll try it anyway.
Maybe I'll just post old rants and such I've written in the past on a day I don't feel like writing.
I mean this is about the third day I've had this blog, and I've already posted 8 posts (this one included)
Which I think is good. This is entertaining to me. I enjoy to speak (or type for that matter), without a response sometimes.
And if I were to speak like this to someone else, I would either:

• A) Irritate them
• B) Cut them off continuously which would then resort to Problem A
• C) Think that I was irritating them, which would result in me cutting myself off and not remain on the topic

Go figure.
I wish I had a cool accent. An Australian one.
Or an amazing sense of style, and a closet filled with clothes and jewelry the size of my room. I get so bored with the clothes I have, and so jealous when I see the clothing of some others.
That sounds so selfish and ungrateful...but I'm not. I love my life and things, but I do have some of the sins of greed and envy.
Speaking of, I still need to finish the epic poem of The Divine Comedy.
I don't even remember where that is...
Fuck, that's not good.
OH MY GOD, look, I did it again, I strayed from the topic.
I'm bored, I'm off to straighten my hair.
My life is interesting, fuck yeah.

I'm starting to feel the emptiness

I miss having a lot of followers :P I really do.
I would at least every now and again get comments/questions/whatever, but now I only have 2 followers that almost never get on and only follow me because they're my friends and they're awesome.
But whatever.
I'm working on a project for Devin. It's simple enough, I mean it's easy with Roman Mythology, but the concept and what I have to do is what's throwing me off.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to put down.
And Devin's phone is off, so whoop-de-doo, there's no help there, but that's ok.
His sister will let him borrow the phone whenever he gets home. She's awesome.
I WANT QUESTIONS
Baaaah

Fuck

It's fucking 6:18 in the morning. I woke up 12 minutes ago, and I can't go back to sleep. Dammit.
I'm too light of a sleeper (did I spell that right?)
I'll be exhausted later, I guess that's when I'll sleep.

That really sucks

Boredom

I'm kinda bored. Sleepy, too. I've had a long day.
I miss Devin D:
It sucks, but I'll manage :] I have so far.
I'm watching The Shining with Jessie right now. It's nearly 1AM and still raining outside.
I wonder how tomorrow will go, if it'll be as neat as today. Fun, as well.
Oo, I drew a back tattoo on Paige, as well. I only did half though, because it was too detailed to duplicate. I took a picture (several, actually) of it, and it looks so badass.
Mad props to myself, homey fly

Oh my god, Today

Today, I found an old and insanely worn out book from the 20s that was totally in French, a golden rose, saw the pants of my brother fall down on our way back from Sonic, while he was eating an ice cream cone, hung out with one of my coolest cousins, played through two chapters of Dead Space, and found a cold, wet, unopened and unclaimed can of Dr.Pepper on the side of a sidewalk.
Today was an epic day.


I loved it :)

I'm gonna try to make my blog as easy to keep up to date and as fun as possible for me

So for, nothing like Tumblr, which is the only other blog site I've ever been a part of. BUT. I still enjoy it.
It's nice to have a place to rant where I'd actually have some feedback :P or to just type nonsense like this and not have people like it or whatever.
YAY
I have my younger cousin over today :) she's awesome, and now we're off to play Dead Space

This site is so frustrating.

It is. I've been messing with the same things for so long now. I don't know what I'm doing. It's so aggravating. I want to stab somebody in the face (LEGAL NOTICE: sarcasm and melodramatically worded shit not meant to be taken seriously)
It makes me want to go

but for the sake of intelligence, I will suppress that anger.
Maybe one day I'll go postal (LOL)

hahaha. i thought this was one of the funniest things i've ever seen.

it's stupid humor...but humor nonetheless