Thursday, June 16, 2011


I've just watched a video where one of the men that I'm subscribed to on YouTube made about his biggest regret. He never specified what it was, but he repeated that it was very stupid and he regretted it immensely and completely. It got me thinking, "Do I have anything that I regret that much?"
I've come to the realization
No, I don't.
As a matter of fact, I don't have any regrets.
When I was with Devin, I thought I regretted something, now that we're broken up, I see that I really don't. I thought I did, only because of how Devin made me feel about it.
I thought I regretted Devin. But that was when I had a rush of emotions and pain at even the mentioning of his name.
Now that my thoughts, for the most part, are clear (although, mind you, there's still pain enough to badmouth him. I can, and do, still speak of him fondly when the time comes.)
[disclaimer: in my defense, although I badmouth him sometimes, I don't like doing it. It slips out :/ as stupid as that likely sounds. In the rush of emotions I sometimes feel with certain subjects, I can't help but express my anger through relating bad and frustrating, if not instantaneously depressing, problems and scenarios that I have experienced via my relationship with him.]
I've always known that I've never regretted Austin.
Although Devin treated me awfully and cheated on me, I got to learn what some girls were really going through in bad relationships, and I got to experience hardships and a long relationship, firsthand.
And because of Devin, I've increased my standards of whom I would date, I've taken a break from relationships so I could develop a steady head, and I've learned what signs to look for to get out of a bad relationship before it ever gets too horrible. I've bettered myself (or am trying to) so I could seek out the best revenge...
I'll become successful and make something of myself, while he remains as nothing.
And I'll prove to him, even indirectly, that I was always out of his league. And I was always great for him...but he never saw it.
As mean as that sounds. I don't mean for it to sound as heartless as it may :/ I'm sorry.
But that's just my drive to keep me going.
Well, one of my many drives, anyhow.
I guess he just gave me that final push I needed to really try and work hard at achieving my goals for the future.
And I thank him for that :)
I believe, no matter how many bad times there are, I'll still remember the good times there were with him as well.
I've kept some mementos this time, like notes he's written me, a gorgeous picture I drew of him, poems I wrote about him, a journal of sorts of our firsts that I wrote, his bracelet and his jacket.
I don't have the original stories that I wrote about him or the original picture that I drew of him, thanks to Alondra.
But also thanks to me, because I gave them to her.
It's alright.

Back to Austin, although he cheated on me and lied to me several times, he was my first love. My first true experience with it. And he taught me how to love, and how to deal with heartbreak, as well as toughened me up, and made me more cautious and hesitant than the free-bird that I was.
I thank him for that.
And I also thank Devin for helping me become more cautious as well, in regards to whom I trusted, and so forth.

I don't hate either of them. And I'll still care about both of them, as I do now. But never again will I be with them :P
Dear god, never, ever, ever again.


I just don't want to go through any of that shit again.
And to put on a happy face through all of it. Just. No.
No way in Hell, ever again.
I've learned from my mistakes. I just wish they'd learn from theirs as well.

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