Friday, March 11, 2011

this is a rant i posted the other day about devin but deleted out of guilt

I don't know what I'm doing...
So I haven't seen or spoken to Devin in 4 days now.
I don't feel like I'm in a relationship. Other than our locker, I don't really feel as if he exists. I don't even see the picture on my facebook, or the pictures of him on my phone. They're just there.
I don't really notice them anymore.
I look at the photos, and it's just like I see someone that's attractive, but also of a long distance past.
I hear people speak of him, and I don't feel any feeling. It's as if they're asking about an acquaintance that I wasn't really attached to.
People say we're cute or "Karina + Devin = love", like in a note my friend made me, and I feel...angry?
Or maybe it's uncertainty.
Whatever it is, it's certainly not happiness. Or love.
I don't think it's right of me to think that way, but I can't seem to think any other way.
He's made no effort to talk to me, although I've made numerous to try and talk to him. I've put so much effort into our relationship, when he could seem to care less.
I don't know why I stick with it. I think it's mainly because I don't want to be alone.
I want someone to love me, and hold me, and make me feel special because I'm in a wonderful relationship.
Although...that's not happening.
It's just a title now.
I don't feel loved. I don't feel love at the moment. I feel aggravation, and hurt.
And disappointment. Always disappointment. He's always, always disappointing me.
I'm so sick of feeling unworthy of love, and feeling ugly, and feeling disappointed.
I'm never happy, and when I try to go to him for comfort, he doesn't seem to care.
He doesn't seem to want to see me. I feel like I'm some kind of item he carries around to make himself feel special, but tosses me to the side when I'm moody or upset, or disagree with him.
I can't be myself with him, I'm always hiding something.
The only guy that everyone says I'd be perfect with, and that I'm completely myself around, that has seen almost every emotion in me, and has been there for me through almost everything, I've tossed to the side for Devin. To try and make him happy.
But he's in love with someone else, anyway. Eh, it wouldn't work anyway.
Maybe I should stay single.
I wish I could text him and end it now.
But I don't know if I'll regret it if I could.
I don't know if I'll regret it if I stay with him.
In 4 years, where will I be?
Will I be supporting him while trying to drag myself through college? Will I be like the mother taking care of a child in our relationship?
Will I just be some sort of item that he only cherishes when he wants something?
I don't know.
I wish I had a steadier head on my shoulders.
I wish I had someone to tell me what to do. Even if I did have someone...I wish they would listen.
I wish that I could tell him this, but he'd never listen to me. He never really did.
And I wish that every time I heard his voice, or saw him, my will to walk away wouldn't dwindle.

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